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asubutterfly279
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Name: alice
Country: China
Metro: Shanghai
Birthday: 4/5/1991
Gender: Female
Interests: jesus.
Expertise: singing and dancing in my room. sending/writing long emails/letters. making instant noodles. creating random songs about random things. eating sushi. highlighting things. talking to people? haha.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  caliallie491
MSN: caliallie491@hotmail.com
Member Since:
12/9/2002
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| sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate, half empty or half full
it slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
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| and tonight i remembered exactly why i love it here... :)
it's a little ironic that princeton the institution seems to do the best job of obstructing me from getting princeton the experience, princeton the people, princeton the intellectual exploration and growth. it's like i'm so busy working that i don't have time to stop and think. or talk.
BUT ANYWAY.
it's 4:28 a.m. and THIS was the kind of night that i came to princeton for. ohh how i love will, and audrey, and youngblood, and frakes. and maybe even max. but anyhow i completed my paper at 10 p.m. YEAH!!! (except i'm gonna start my HUM paper in a few hours when i wake up haaaah oh joy..) so i was free to go to karen's house for our pfa girls' night. :) i want to get to know these girls betterrrr ah i love them! funny that i know them so well on the spiritual level but not on the surface at all. but ah. ghirardelli hot chocolate (!!!), christmas lights, catchphrase and talking about boys... hee <3
afterwards i wasted like 40 minutes in my dorm meandering about pondering what to do. talking to edwin. going downstairs. looking at food. etc etc
BUT THENNN i went upstairs to join audrey & co. in watching fight club,
which i'd only seen 70% of before
and i was like wtf? i don't get it!! it doesn't make sense when you walk in in the middle hahahha
except then in the middle i was like OMFG THIS IS A SCHIZO MOVIE ISN'T IT... ISN'T IT!!!!! AKDLFJAS;LDFKJA;DFLJKAS;LDFJKA;LDJK and you know my thing about a beautiful mind and mannequins and how i'm highly uncomfortable with the concept of psychological disorders and why i got so squeamish and creeped out when we studied it in psych.. AHHHH
but then afterwards we just stayed up there and talked for HOURS, about the movie. fear of being alone. bacchanal undercurrents. what drives us to aggression. need for control. expanded into... LIFE! what it means. who we are. what makes a person a person. the existence of soul (or lack thereof). i really can't reconcile myself with will & austin's perspective, that man is purely mind and body. no soul. and our emotions and feelings and that solid fullness you get from hitting upon truth, all this is just a result of more complex and better developed networks in our brains as opposed to those of animals. nothing really sets us apart and in fact we're just like a supercomputer... which led to the whole matrix question, are we living in a simulation? technology is getting closer and closer to it. and then the ethics of whether or not we should alter our natural level of happiness or engineer the "perfection" of our bodies through science. bioethics plez. then a whooole spiel about FATE. BAMMM. matt frakes' cheesy "magic" thing and "divine spark" hahahah and his one-dimensional conception of sadness. the spectrum of emotion and what it means to "decide to be happy." dealing with sorrow and pain that is bigger than yourself. the consequences of reducing humanity to mere mind and body - and whether by "mind" you mean the physical matter of brain and connections between neurotransmitters, or if there is a separate consciousness making decisions. and if it's merely matter, then how heavy the concept of death becomes, as the passing away of your physical body equates with your complete nonexistence. that's it. nothing left. and here matt interjects with his everlasting spark that lives on no matter what hahah... but really, how lonely and sad it is to think - and even more, to LIVE BY this concept - that we are merely material! if there is nothing to set us apart except a higher level of complexity in our brain development, then what a small and meaningless existence we live... particularly in what will said about how great a significance death then takes on. in that it truly marks the end of ALL. the complete negation of your being. nothing survives. if what makes you you is nothing more than your body and the consciousness that is consisted solely of the connections in your brain, then when both pass away, you are gone and will never exist again. and it is inevitable and unavoidable that this will happen - you will not matter. no wonder he's gone through so much depression...
and then was all that stuff about the perception of reality, being colorblind, sudden vision, grasping everything only through our senses and not being able to ever know if our world resembles the world of our neighbor at all. and the question of why we want more! why we have this desire for fulfillment, yearning to be set apart, wanting to know that we ARE different from the animals and have this. WANT. for a solid fullness beyond the simple emoticon smileys that frakes seems to be stuck on. it is this depth of human feeling, i think, that constitutes evidence of the soul - i'm hesitant to even apply the term "feeling" to it, since that implies such a flakey girly bawlfest connotation. but i mean JOY. SORROW. CONTENTMENT. what flows solid and deep, beyond being happy or sad or satiated. what makes your heart pound when you read poetry. what twists some bittersweet chord in your throat when you are confronted with pain. you know what i mean?? there is pain like ouch i have a paper cut, and pain like i trusted you but you betrayed me, and pain like there is a wrongness in this world that is bending and breaking me. there are levels of the physical, the emotional, and then the SOUL. there MUST be. will might say no, that's just like another more complicated connection between neurotransmitters - but science hasn't proven that, and i will maintain that the soul exists.
it's partly also just that.. it's so difficult to articulate. without sounding cheesy. like matt mr. disney goldfish smiley boy with his sparkly descriptions of "magic" hahaha. no offense of course because i do love frakes.
anyway it's 5 a.m.
just wanted to record this because oh,
it was so good! and i'm so happy and thankful for these people
i freaking love them
and AH i am growing so much here in EVERY way.
it's a good reminder haha of why i'm here... not just for the sake of the institution and the social life, but for GROWTH that i really could not get anymore in high school... wah anyway. so many questions. so much to explore. so much that i want and need to KNOW... and so many people to TALK to and exchange with and learn from!! i don't care if the workload is insane here, nights like these make it all completely worth it. <3 | | |
| life is a day that doesn't last for long
this is not the same sadness as before. and it shouldn't be, considering that i now have a life at princeton that i've settled into, a new place to return to, belong at, maybe even call home.
but i have to admit, the twinge sure feels familiar. tearing up at "hey baby." not wanting to leave. holding on, and on and on and on
"the beauty lies in the ticking of the clock"
"wherever you are, be all there"
every once in a while, i wake up finding it hard to swallow the lump of wistfulness in my throat. it's not that i don't like (love?) it here. it's not like i want to go back in time and do high school again. things are the way they are and i'm okay with it, it's just
moments like these, reunions and conversations and loved ones and such,
make me
so acutely aware
of the passage of time
and life
and loves fleeting by
"i can't believe we're here. you're sitting in my dorm and we're in college! on our own!"
i was sitting in the subway in nyc, looking at the full 3 rows we took up, thinking back to my first day of sophomore year SO LONG AGO. whatever happened to relay for life, long walks back to the student center from the cafeteria, rainbow day, aluminium foil, getting excited about our first free periods, stressing about apush, sally's birthday party, winter formals, roots & shoots, apac rehearsals, c1 or c2 bus rides, kimbap at break, stuco meetings, ordering local, eating with the same people at the same table every day...? it feels like forever ago. and so strange that i was once so unfamiliar with these loved ones, and now what the hell we're here in new york, together in the city, but all just coming for a break out of our real lives back in our respective worlds (read: separate worlds).
i don't know what i'm trying to say.
just, i'm not unhappy with anything. only sadly reminded again, these moments go so fast. and princeton you will fly away so quickly too.
and
being with everyone
made me so happy
but also so aware (that word again), this is it. we've moved on. we're growing up. getting halal with charlie at 2 a.m., walking through the cold he looks at me and says, "you know, being here actually makes me realize that i care a lot about my penn friends too. i mean not that i like them more, but i can see now how people have changed and it's really obvious who i'm not gonna be close to anymore"
but i knew exactly what he meant
i hate the idea of drifting apart but, face it,
(not gonna type it because i do not like facing the inevitable)
i feel like i will spend my whole life grasping at goodbyes, constantly feeling the deep sinking truth of, our mortality. of i am a flower quickly fading. of all men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. the grass withers and the flowers fall...
surely the people are grass.
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever.
if i did not have You as the everlasting anchor, glimpse into eternity, heart and foundation of my soul, i don't know what i would do, Lord.
help me to be all here. | | |
| the speaker at 802 made an interesting point on friday:
with God, we have the option to be both safe and known.
which indicates that, without Him, we usually are limited to just one or the other.
i can be safe, protect myself, don't be vulnerable - but then i won't really be known.
or i can be known - and endanger myself. be open. exposed. out there.
but in Him?
safe. known. all in one.
--
i'm at princeton.
which, from time to time, still invokes in me a whaaat!?
--
more notes! on guarding your heart -
much of the time, we misinterpret guarding your heart as guarding against people. but in reality, we are not guarding ourselves from people, we are guarding ourselves from sin.
the question is not, "how can i protect myself so that you won't hurt me!!" but rather, "how can i stay pure and honor you in Christ? how can i make sure that i'm acting in your best interests rather than for my selfish gain?"
that meant a lot to me. means a lot. the whole guarding-against-people thing. in fact i think much of my whole highschoolboys fiasco may have stemmed out of a meta-facade in which i convinced myself that i was staying pure to honor God, blahblahblah, when in reality i was being selfish, getting close to make myself feel good and then pulling away to ensure that i wouldn't get hurt. always my self first. stay safe, stay safe, self-protection above ALL!
maybe i never really understood the meaning of "guard your heart." i took it as an X-ing, self-defense thing. kicked them while they were down. told myself it didn't matter - i am keeping my defenses up! staying safe! meanwhile sin seeped in through the corners of my misunderstanding.
--
finally: on work -
everything was corrupted with the fall. work had intrinsic value but now, we twistttt it... so that
1. ENVY comes in.
why is he smarter than me! why is it that i work so hard but she gets better results. why did they get into a capella when i didn't. God i am angry and it is unfair. work is turning me green, choking the grace out of my heartstrings.
2. IDOLATRY as well.
i can't ________ (love, worship, pray, chill, sleep, eat, live, etc) because i have work to do! sabbath? are you crazy? no really are you in your right mind, i go to princeton okay, if i took a day off of work i would DIE. I CAN'T. SORRY.
when work is driving you instead of you driving your work, you've probably lost sight of its true meaning.
and what do you do when you feel like your work is a cage? when you're tied down and just endlessly slaving away and getting no results and you're frustrated, tired, stressed, fatigued, having a mental and physical and emotional and spiritual breakdown?
ask God for someone to love.
go and love someone with all your strength. not talking like mmm hookups on saturday night. love as in agape, servant, God use me as your vessel to overflow and pour into these brothers and sisters of mine love. selfless love. patient, kind, not envying, not boasting, and so on.
go and love, and thus step into the mainstream of real life and what matters.
(do you feel uncomfortable when you read this because i definitely did. i was like umm put down my work and go love others? harharhar... and then i heard something else jolting (haha my favorite tasp essay word (haha a parenthetical statement inside a paranthetical statement inside a paranthetical statement.. parantheses ^3!)):
the reason we're so caught up in work. school. etc and why we find it so hard to conceive of placing something else as our first priority, is because
deep down
despite all our spiritual appearances and whatnot,
deeep down
we really believe that this world is all there is.
what's here, right before our eyes and around us.
we don't believe in eternity, or we say we do, but really we're thinking, well that's not totally certain whereas the tangible life i have right now is concrete, it's all i have really so i'd better make sure it's perfect. PERFECT.)
but God says, that's not true. live for more.
--
wah! that is radicaaaal!
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| the thing is i want to be swept off my feet, God.
i am impatient for the fire thunder earthquake hurricane and i don't want to wait, listen, be silent, waitupontheLord for the still. small. voice
i want to not think about it, not make this deliberate decision, i want to be overwhelmed 24/7 so it's easy, so i don't have to take up my cross consciously and steadily every day, regardless of emotion. no, what my small myopic heart wants is for You to be a prince charming and to pick me up and carry me off all the time. retreat emotion all the time. i want You to carry me,
and when You say, now Beloved I am here. now, learn to walk. pick up your cross and walk with me.
i say, You're not being very charming! why can't you just sweep me off on your white horse! look, if You won't force me, here are many shadows of princes that can fill the shadows of my desires and everyone else is doing it why can't i WHY CAN'T I, God, i want to, except i can't because i already know You, so i want to but i don't really i know it's just. a. shadow
spiritual strobe light: bright dark bright dark bright dark because i keep glancing at the darkness then turning back to you, glancing back again and it makes me dizzy
in Your light we see light
in Your light we see light
show me what light is, God. by Your light, give me a desire for the good. the GOOD. the TRUE. i know this: those who do not know you walk in ever-increasing darkness. they do not know what they are walking into. but IN YOUR LIGHT, WE SEE LIGHT, God, the cry of my heart, God, is that You would turn me to You. turn me to You. change my heart. change my heart. help me. i am augustine weeping under the fig tree, then getting back up and going back to stealing pears. i am c.s. lewis running away from the beach to make mudpies in the sand. i am thirsting for a shadow. a shadow of a puppet of an imitation of a form. i am blinking in the darkness, eyes confused after the blazing bonfire has died down, and i see Your small candle moving in the
distance
but it's so far
and everyone around me is wandering in the dark, quiet meandering like when we played murderinthedark at retreat, don't know where we're going but we can just bump around together, i kind of want to do that too
except i don't. i don't. still small light hold on for me, wait shine help me hear You, help me be still, help me take up my cross, stand up, look to the light, take my own steps, reach for Your hand, shake off the darkness,
follow.
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